WELL! I NEVER!
I have been served a restraining order from Hell. The Devil’s really pissed.
For the life of me, I can’t understand the problem. I was just trying to make
some improvements. Social Justice, Image, Lifestyle, those sort of things.
It started with the image-improvement program for the lesser demons.
Sensitivity training, etiquette, fashion sense, grammar and diction lessons.
It was when they found the tail-bobber and the de-horning stahl things got knarly.
The Union movement for the Fire Stokers got a cold shoulder, also.
Seems Hell doesn’t give a damn about Imp wage-scale or working conditions.
Then there was the fiasco over the love-in with Code Pink. That went over
like a lead balloon; it seems they’re not welcome in Hell, either.
But it probably was the renovations. I talked the Devil into expanding Hell
to a tenth ring. Seemed like a good idea at the time. A place to put Corporate
and Government PR people, advertizing execs, journalists and lawyers.
But the word got out. Evidently, you can’t trust demons to keep a secret.
Then, quite literally, all Hell broke loose.
First the EPA people demanded an environmental impact statement, then came
the Conservative Preservationists all up in arms:
“You can’t change Hell! It’s been this way like, FOREVER!”
That’s when Cthulhu got wind of it, and charged in with an entourage of
Shuggoths and Saggoths riding Dholes. All madder than Hell; Pissed off
to the max about encroachment into the Primordial Dark, which he claimed
as his personal domain.
As if that wasn’t enough in came the Creature Rights fanatics, with loud
claims about environmental degradation of Limbo, home of the Nameless Horrors.
Then the Lawyers got involved and started filing class action suits.
Things started to really get UGLY.
The lesser demons all started preening like poufters. The bedevilment of Souls ceased,
Soul-stealing production dropped to near zero, the Imps went on strike, then the fires
The female demons started demanding equal rights. (Seems there was a reason Code
Pink wasn’t allowed down there.) Cerberus got all excited, broke his chains and
pissed on the Devil’s throne. Then he ate the cushion and some Imps; which disagreed
with his innards so he started shitting all over Hell.
Then the engineers started plans for a colossal HVAC system, but I guess the biggie
came when the Mormons laid out irrigation canals and started draining the River Styx!
Charon’s boat wound up high and dry on the Island of the Muses, and he was unamused.
Having been involved in large projects in this Country before, I considered it all
merely a normal business scenario; nothing to be overly concerned about.
At this point I was served an eviction notice, and Security escorted me to the Gates.
Now Moloch shows up at the door. Moloch no less!
With two really big Balrogs for back-up! He slaps the restraining order on me,
and leaves in a huff.
Oh, well. That’s the end of that, then.
Some kinds of people just can’t stand social justice and lifestyle improvements.